


true colours

by owlboi



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27399097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlboi/pseuds/owlboi
Summary: ash wakes up from a bad nightmare. eiji wishes he could take away all his hurt.(( based on the original idea by jpg.mac on tiktok ))
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 3
Kudos: 92





	true colours

**Author's Note:**

> umm i cried the entire time while writing this. i kept stopping because i couldn’t see.
> 
> i hope you enjoy it nonetheless.
> 
> please listen to [this playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2EaDOBApg1fCnG6DnXg3xr?si=7k9BPSUpQ5-71cRogWxKnw) while reading:)

The room was dark when Eiji opened his eyes to the gasp that came from the bed next to him. He was awake again, fighting his own mind, battling his own fears, doing it all by himself like he always did. Eiji didn’t think it was fair, he didn’t like being shut out, he wanted Ash to let him in. He wanted to see Ash smile.

Usually he ignored it. Pretended he didn’t hear Ash wake up in the middle of the night and cry. He did it to protect his pride, perhaps. Maybe it was because they didn’t know each other well enough for him to force the stronger, but much more fragile boy to open up. It was a weird balance they had, so far Ash had let Eiji get away with anything, he wondered where the line was. 

Against his better judgement, Eiji turned on his bedside lamp and instantly caught eyes with Ash’s terrified green ones, he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. If it wasn’t so tragic, Eiji would have thought it cute—but then again, his heart couldn’t help but break for him. He was so guarded, so tired, so angry. Eiji wished he could take it all away. Make it better. 

Ash was shaking but he forced a neutral look on his face, trying to reassure the other boy he was fine. Eiji didn’t buy it in the slightest, he just tilted his head and scooted further into the bed, his hand, growing a mind of its own, patted the spot next to him and encouraged Ash to join him. There was a bewildered expression on the pale boy’s face. Like he wasn’t sure whether or not he should trust the offer—not that he didn’t trust Eiji, it was more that he didn’t trust _himself_ around Eiji. He was scared to be looked at differently, to mess up the only genuine relationship in his life. 

He was scared that Eiji’s bright and loving eyes would turn darker and more fearful the more he found out about Ash’s life. Little did he know, that would be impossible. Nothing Ash could do would _ever_ change the way Eiji saw him. Still, Ash hesitated.

“Don’t be such a scaredy-cat,” Eiji teased softly, trying to keep his voice levelled to not throw off the other boy who seemed like his head was in a completely different place. Ash thought about it for a moment and when he saw Eiji nod slightly, hinting it was okay, he could trust him, Ash’s facade dropped, his eyes filling with tears and his mouth falling into a pretty frown.

He didn’t really cry, he just tossed his duvet off his legs and practically leaped over to Eiji’s bed, where the dark-haired boy was waiting with open arms. No judgement, no fear, nothing that made Ash’s sharp senses go off. Nothing that scared him more than he scared himself.

Ash’s face was buried in Eiji’s chest, as Eiji’s hands stroked his back. Up and down, gently running his fingers along his spine while his other hand was in Ash’s soft mop of hair. His thumb patting it down. He felt Ash shiver from the soft contact. The _great mafia leader_ with the scariest reputation known to man, was the most touch-starved of all. He’d lacked love. He’d lacked loving hands and loving lips and loving eyes.

And now his body didn’t know how to react to touch. His muscles tensed and the hairs on his arms raised. His breath hitched and his eyes shut tightly. He _expected_ hurt. His instinctual reaction was to protect himself. He was trying to fight that instinct, Eiji knew he was doing his best. He didn’t need anything else.

Eiji began to hum. A song he’d learned in English just for Ash. A song he didn’t really know he’d need to sing for him but one he was glad he had. Ash looked up slightly as Eiji leaned back onto the bed with the other boy’s head still on his chest. 

“ _You with the sad eyes_ ,” Eiji started, Ash whimpered quietly, realising what was happening. Love wasn’t easy, love was something taught to a person and it was so hard to grasp onto when you’ve been taught you didn’t deserve it. Ash was so much more than what he’d been made out to be—than what he’d made _himself_ out to be. “ _Don’t be discouraged, oh I realise, it’s hard to take courage..._ ”

Ash’s grip around Eiji’s body tightened, and Eiji’s voice began to shake. He wanted to be strong for him, for once, he wanted to be the one protecting him, taking him away from danger, even if that danger was himself. He didn’t want him to hurt anymore, even if it was only for a second—a millisecond, even. He wasn’t sure when he’d vowed this to himself, he just knew that wasn’t a vow he was ever willing to break.

Ash wasn’t as big as he seemed. He was small and bony and so pale. He looked like porcelain, so easy to break so you never go near it in fear of the consequences. They kept him away from everything he could have loved, they kept him away from a life of happiness and traded it in for a life of constant sorrow and blame and death. It wasn’t fair.

“ _The darkness inside you can make you feel so small.”_

In Eiji’s arms right now, Ash felt like a child. A child that had been stripped of everything and was given one single lifeline. One single strip of hope to hold onto and he didn’t want to let go. Eiji didn’t want him to let go. He prayed to _dear God_ , an entity that had completely neglected this life, to take care of him now. He prayed to the universe to be kind. He prayed for anything out there. 

He wanted to scream out into the universe until his lungs collapsed. He wanted to hold onto him forever.

Instead, he continued to sing in wavering whispers. “ _Show me a smile,_ ” he brushed Ash’s blonde locks out of his face, the glitter of a tear rolling down his cheek as Ash’s breath steadied slowly. “ _Don’t be unhappy_ ,” he hated the bitterness of that line. As if it were that easy. “ _Can’t remember when I last saw you laughing._ ”

The burden of holding a gun at a young age. The burden of taking a life. The burden of hiding and running and shielding yourself, constantly putting a face for other people. The burden of making people fear you so they don’t try to come in and get you to open up. How much pain had Ash gone through? Was it even possible for Eiji to help him? To fix him?

He didn’t care. He wanted to be there. He wanted to do what he could because if he couldn’t then… What was the point of it all? Why did he come to New York? Why was he introduced to this walking tragedy? How could he pause it all and start the tape again just to try and change the story?

Eiji didn’t regret coming to New York. He didn’t regret meeting Ash. 

“ _I see your true colours,_ ” he handled Ash’s body with care. His hands only moving in consistent places at a consistent pace. Nothing that could scare him or make him back away. Just enough for him to know he was right here for him. “ _And that’s why I love you_ …”

Ash’s body tensed and relaxed all at once. Eiji smiled. His mind had drifted, it was no longer on the nightmares. It was on Eiji’s voice. Eiji’s words. He felt a small sense of accomplishment, though it probably didn’t change anything for Ash, just for a second, it took his mind elsewhere. 

“ _So don’t be afraid to let them show,_ ” his voice fell into an even deeper whisper, his lips close to the top of Ash’s head, barely brushing past. “ _Your true colours are beautiful…_ ” He trailed off when he felt Ash nuzzle his head further into Eiji’s chest. He was holding back a sob. He didn’t want Ash to have to switch roles. He wanted him to be the only one comforted and it wouldn’t be right for Ash to feel bad for Eiji having too many emotions.

Ash shut his eyes, a couple of tears rolling out of his eyes as Eiji looked up at the ceiling, his eyes threatening whatever higher power there was to give Ash his life back. To let him be safe. To let him run away to Japan with him and never look back. To make a safe place his home. To give him hope, forgiveness, a chance at a life he’d enjoy. A life filled with less nightmares and more happy memories. A life that could _miraculously_ fix his broken past. 

Eiji knew that was near impossible. He wished it could all go away with a click of his fingers so he could show Ash his hometown. His favourite park, the cafe where he bought his lunch every morning, the tree he fell off of when he was young, his childhood home. He wanted Ash to taste his favourite snacks and teach him how to cook. He wanted Ash to have everything. 

If he could just stay safe. One more thing, one more thing he needed to do and then he’ll quit. One more and Eiji could take him away to Japan. One more and Ash would never have to think about this place again. One more. One more. Eiji wanted to book him a ticket just to make sure he’d come. Just to give him that extra push. To make it just that much easier for him to say yes. 

Eiji wasn’t planning on leaving Ash’s side. That was never an option for him. He meant too much. It could be a need to protect him. It could be platonic or brotherly or romantic. He didn’t care what it was labelled as. He didn’t care how Ash thought of him. He just wanted to be able to give him his love. He wanted Ash to feel loved. 

Was that too much to ask?

Was it too much to ask for Ash to have a break? For Ash to sleep one whole night without waking up gasping for air or drenched in sweat or even _screaming_? Hadn’t he gone through enough?

“Hey, Eiji?”

Ash’s broken voice still had traces of smooth caramel—it made Eiji’s whole body quake for a split second, the hairs on his body standing up and his hands going cold. He wasn’t expecting a break in the silence, but he was glad when he received it. Ash’s voice was soothing to him in a twisted way. It reminded him Ash was still alive.

Eiji only hummed back in response, afraid his voice would betray him if he spoke.

“What’s Japan like?”

The other boy found a chuckle arise, making Ash look up at him, a little lost. He looked so naïve, so small, so innocent. Eiji only wished it wasn’t because of his lack of childhood.

The hand in Ash’s hair moved to graze Ash’s nose with just one finger gently, something his mother would do to him when Eiji had a nightmare as a child. It was a simple gesture—had Ash been completely awake he probably would’ve flinched away but in this moment, he leaned into it, his eyes never leaving Eiji’s. It was as if he were scared that he were to blink Eiji would leave.

“Japan is…” Eiji thought about it for a moment. “I think it would surprise you.”

“Surprise me?” Ash scoffed, his _manly_ voice coming through as if he weren’t still clinging onto Eiji for dear life. “Nothing’s ever surprised me.”

Eiji rolled his eyes and tried to think of the main things he associated with Japan. His mother’s tea-set that she’d received for her wedding and would only use when his grandparents visited. The smell of his favourite foods. The walk on the way to school in the spring when the streets are littered with cherry tree petals. Taking off your shoes before entering someone’s house. Bowing to say thank you. His neighbour who watered her plants every morning. The person down the street who set off fireworks in the middle of the night just because they could.

Japan was the place Eiji felt safest in. The place where he belonged. It was the place where he hoped Ash would feel he belonged. At this point in time, the way in which Ash belonged in New York was the way a prisoner belonged in his cell. He needed a new space, fresh air, a new perspective.

But Eiji didn’t want to force him to do anything. In his life, Ashi had never gotten to do things the way _he_ wanted. He was always forced, made to do things, abused into situations he would have never picked on his own, until one day, picking the harder choice became instinct and he began abusing _himself_ into unhappiness because that’s just what he knew. It was cruel. 

“I guess it’s like…” Eiji took a breath as Ash’s eyes closed slowly, probably involuntarily. “The air smells really sweet in my hometown, especially in the spring. After a lot of rain, everything is quiet and the wind is soft and kind of cold… I don’t know if I’m explaining this well.”

Ash bit back a smile. “You are, keep going.”

As Eiji got carried away with stories of his childhood, Ash felt himself picturing the two of them together in a perfect world, walking hand in hand through the streets of Japan, buying flowers on Sundays and having breakfast together without the threat of someone being shot or killed or hurt. A life of peace and happiness. Ash could see it. Eiji with his camera, stealing pictures of him in a field of sunflowers while they ate snacks that were too sweet and shared their most embarrassing moments. Maybe Ash could have gone to university, he’d never really thought about studying anything, he was clever enough to get by on his own. 

Besides, a degree doesn’t take you very far in the mafia.

An ideal world. It wasn’t something Ash pondered on very often. It wasn’t something he had the luxury of thinking about because that was near impossible. At this point he’d gone far enough to convince himself he didn’t deserve it. Happiness with Eiji and mindless conversation that didn’t need to be predicted. Not having to watch out for himself in case he was being followed. Not having to be armed whenever he left his house.

Ash remembered Eiji saying guns were illegal in Japan. What a beautiful paradise that must be.

He’d never been the retrospective one. The regretful one. He’d always made himself look forward, keep surviving. He couldn’t just sit and think about everything or else where would that leave him? The constant guilt ate at his soul everyday but he ignored it. He looked away. He was the only person he wasn’t willing to save. And that made it all the more painful to watch.

Eiji snapped him out of his daydream. “Hey,” he said, his voice hushed, his fingers underneath Ash’s chin, tilting it up to match their gazes. “You’re shaking again, are you cold?” It was May so that was unlikely, but Eiji still pulled up the duvet over both of them, wrapping it tightly around Ash’s side so he was supported from both sides. “My mother used to say,” Eiji swallowed, hoping not to overstep and scare him off. Hoping to ease his suffering for just one second and let him know it was okay. It was okay to feel all of the emotions he was feeling. There was nothing wrong with him. “Our minds can be our greatest enemies, the hardest to surpass—but it doesn’t last forever. It eases. It comes and goes like a wave on the shore. She always told me to picture the wave and take a deep breath.”

Ash was chewing on the inside of his cheek, trying to keep himself from crying. He’d never been allowed to be vulnerable. 

“You’re not wrong for having emotions,” Eiji’s eyebrows knotted a little bit. Ash’s eyes wavered, he desperately wanted to break eye contact, to run away, to not have to face this and break in front of someone. This was too important to Eiji, _Ash_ was too important to Eiji. “You don’t have to do it alone. You are not alone.”

Ash’s mind drifted to all of the people that had died because of him.

“Hey,” Eiji’s voice raised a little bit, as if he knew exactly what was going through his head. Ash flinched in surprise a little bit but it wasn’t fear. It was shock. No one had ever been able to read him. Tonight must really have been rough. “You aren’t alone.”

This time, when he said it, his voice was steady and full. There was no doubt or hesitation. Just pure strength of belief. Eiji needed Ash to know that. He needed him to not shut down. He needed him to reach out, to be happy, to overcome it all. He needed him to be okay. He needed to know that there was something he could do for him. Maybe it was selfish to want that from a person, but Eiji wanted Ash to be more selfish. He wanted Ash to care about himself. He wanted Ash to have love. 

Ash’s eyes were still, unblinking, threatening to spill. He didn’t really know how to react.

After a second or two of silence, Ash shook off Eiji’s hand softly and laid his head back on his chest, hiding his face from view and he gave out a pained chuckle. “You are a strange one.”

Eiji knew the message had gotten through when he felt Ash’s ribcage tense and relax under his hands, his shoulders shaking a little bit. He was crying. This time it wasn’t a fearful cry, it was just a release. Maybe it was grateful or maybe it was pained. It was probably both. Eiji took it as a step forward. Ash’s walls were coming down a little bit. He was letting him in. He was learning not to be alone. He was learning that he would be okay. That’s all Eiji could have asked for.

The dark haired boy smiled, biting back a sob but the tears still rolling down his eyes. This wasn’t exactly a happy moment, but it wasn’t sad either. It just was what it was. Eiji was willing to wait for Ash to finish off his business here so he could steal him away to Japan. He just needed to wait. Ash was great at surviving. He had to be. They were going to be okay.

They _had_ to be.

Or else why? What’s the point?

“ _You with the sad eyes…_ ” 


End file.
